We Hear Women’s Stories of Abuse. Why Don’t We Listen to Men?

Rajkumari Sharma Tankha

This must be close to three decades back, around the time when I landed up with my first job at The Hindustan Times as a trainee sub editor on the News Desk. If my memory serves me right, it must have been around 11 at night, me being on one of my maiden night shifts. Back then, the receptionist would leave at the designated hour – 6 pm and all calls were directed to the News Desk. I happened to receive the call. On the other side was a man – all shaken. In fact, he could hardly talk but he mustered courage to tell me about how his wife was troubling him. He even shared that she hit him innumerable times. I was shocked, astounded. This surely can’t be true. How can a woman hit a man? Isn’t he supposed to be the stronger among the two?

The poor soul wanted us to report about the same. I spoke to one of my seniors about the call and was to ignore. “He must be drunk” – I was told. Forget it. I did. Now, 30 years later, I feel I should NOT have FORGOTTEN it.

Today, I strongly feel that that man was speaking truth. I can’t say how much courage it must have taken him to call a newspaper office at night to talk about what he was going through. He never contacted any time again. I don’t know where he is today of if he is alive or dead. But we FAILED.

When Men Suffer in Silence: Sambhav Jain’s Tragedy Exposes a Deeper Crisis

Witnessing what’s happening to men today, I can pretty well understand what that man was going thru. The society doesn’t allow men to speak up about their pains “because it is against manhood”. Men were enduring then, today they are dying by suicide. Gurugram software engineer Sambhav Jain, who recently died by suicide, is just one among these men.

His last message to his dad, “Papa, ab aapko kisi ke paise nahi dene padenge.” (Papa, now you will not have to give anyone any money) speaks volumes about the trauma he was facing.

Jain faced a period of severe emotional and financial distress. Police are examining different aspects of his life, including his divorce, his child’s medical treatment, debt and family circumstances.

What is undeniable, however, is the human tragedy behind that message. A young working man reached a point where he saw himself as a financial burden on his father. It should make us ask: Does anyone listen to a man when he says he is being emotionally, financially or legally crushed?

As a society, we have learnt to hear women’s stories of exploitation, but we forget that men can be victims too. Financial abuse, emotional manipulation, marital cruelty, coercion and false or prolonged legal battles all can leave men as devastated as women. It is not about gender. It is about people, humans. Men’s stories, however, are often buried beneath the assumption that a man must always be strong, financially capable and emotionally invulnerable.

By and large, society only hears women. It’s time we heard men too.

It is a fact that for generations women have been subjugated, they have faced domestic violence, dowry harassment, marital abuse, sexual violence and financial exploitation  – everything. But, similar issues are happening now with men too. And, while the stories of exploited women get heard loud and clear, those of men often remain buried.

While women are told to stay silent and endure the abuse in the name of family honour, men are told to do so to ‘be a man enough’. A man who cannot meet up his wife’s hostility and violence is laughed at; a father struggling with maintenance or settlement obligations is ridiculed for escaping responsibility. The result is; Men hesitate to approach the police.

It is time we understand that men too can be victims of abuse. The abuse can physical, verbal, financial, emotional… or all rolled into one. And, a wife alienating her husband from his friends and family is an abuse too. So is poisoning children against their dad. If women face serious and widespread violence, men do too. Just because the number of female victims is more, we should not make male victims invisible.

Men Expected to be Strong

Most men largely remain silent because our society is such that men feel admitting that they are being abused is more humiliating than enduring the abuse.

A 2024 Times of India editorial, while cautioning against simplistic claims about women “misusing” laws, also noted that family problems are a major contributor to male suicides according to NCRB data. This distinction matters: the existence of male suffering should lead us towards better systems, not towards a men-versus-women war. (The Times of India)

There are also documented accounts of men approaching support organisations with allegations of abuse by wives or female partners. An India Today report on a men’s helpline recorded thousands of calls from men reporting different forms of abuse. This shows that men need help too.

Not Everything Is Gender War

We should not turn everything into a gender war. For it’s not. An abuser is abuser – how does gender come into it. Gender should not determine whether we recognise cruelty. The focus should be on protecting the vulnerable – be it man or woman.

We have built support systems around many kinds of vulnerability, but an emotionally distressed man often remains an uncomfortable figure. He doesn’t know where to go, whom to tell. And sometimes, he doesn’t even know how to say:

“I cannot take this anymore.”

Sambhav Jain’s tragedy should make us look harder. There may be many more Sambhavs out there. We must understand that men are not invincible. They too can be manipulated, exploited, abused, financially destroyed, emotionally broken – and can die carrying that pain. It is time we start hearing what men are not telling.