Grey Divorce in India: When Decades of Togetherness Give Way to Separate Lives

Rajkumari Sharma Tankha

Some 25 years ago, one of my relatives from in-laws side visited us. Uncle was around 60 then. While talking he told us about a friend of his divorcing his wife of 30 years. I was dumbfounded. That couple had four kids, and a few months back they had got their fourth child married. Now they wanted to separate, and ‘live their own lives’. I couldn’t comprehend that. Back in early 2000s it was a one-off case – at least to my knowledge.

But, today I see so many older couples mutually divorcing. Gone are the times when marriages in India were viewed as a lifelong commitment — something to be preserved through changing circumstances, family responsibilities and even personal unhappiness. No more now.

So much so that this phenomenon has also got a name – grey divorce – a long-term marriage ending in middle age. And it is increasingly gaining ground in India.

What makes a grey divorce different?

A divorce after a few years of marriage and a divorce after three decades are fundamentally different. When one is married for over two decades or so, the two people don’t just share a relationship. They share a history.

They have raised children together, cared for ageing parents, bought a home, built businesses, managed finances, celebrated festivals and travelled together. Their identities can become intertwined with their role as husband or wife, father or mother, or simply as one half of a couple.

“When such a relationship ends, the question is not merely, “What happens to the marriage?” It can also be Who am I now?, Where will I live?, How will I manage financially?, What happens to my relationship with my children?, What will life look like after retirement?,:” says Relationship Counsellor Deepika Sharma.

“This may result in identity disruption, loneliness and the difficulty of rebuilding one’s life,” she says, adding, “in such a divorce there is a lot of emotional complexity.”

The Changing India

Notwithstanding the emotional challenges involved, there is clearly greater discussion around older couples approaching family courts and counsellors in India.

While a comprehensive data on grey divorces is not available, family advocates say that the number of couples in their 50s approaching them is increasing. “The reason can be any – long-standing marital unhappiness, abuse, changed interests or new relationships,” says Advocate Suman Jain.

Abroad, the numbers are much more. In UK, the Office for National Statistics for England and Wales, reports that divorces among older people aged 65 and above rose by 23% for men and 38% for women between 2005 and 2015.

The changing Indian marriage

While we don’t have data for India, the trend is still intriguing. Why are older people increasingly questioning marriages that previous generations endured?

One major factor is greater financial independence among women. Earlier, a woman who had spent decades as a homemaker could find leaving a marriage financially impossible. Today, more women have their own careers, savings and social networks.

There is also a change in the way people think about marriage. A marriage once survived partly because separation carried enormous social stigma. Couples were expected to remain together “for the children” or “for the family”. In a way, couple still stay together for ‘kids’ but once the kids are married, they see their incompatibly more clearly. The empty nest reveals problems that were earlier hidden behind parenting and household responsibilities. Hence the separation. Also, earlier there was a lot of guilt and shame attached to divorces. No more now. People want peace and happiness now, not empty togetherness.

“Early on in my marriage I had realised that we were two very different people. But this realisation came after my son was born. Many times, I toyed with the idea of divorce but couldn’t take the step due to my son. Also, I didn’t want to upset my parents. Now my son is settled in his life. Parents are no more. And I do not want to die an old, unhappy, caustic woman who never lived her life,” smiles Shruti Arora, explaining her reason for divorcing her husband of 25 years. Perhaps, the husband knew this all along, so he didn’t pose any problem. “I want peace too,” he says.

In many marriages, emotional distance, infidelity, financial disagreements and fundamentally different expectations about later life leads to grey divorce, say experts.

It is not always a story of failure

Perhaps the most important thing to understand about grey divorce is that it does not necessarily mean that 20 or 30 years of marriage were a mistake.  But the fact that people change with time. It is when they don’t change in a similar manner that leads to separation. Sometimes couples grow together (and live together). Sometimes, they grow apart.

Bollywood shown the changing picture

Bollywood offers several examples of long marriages ending after many years. Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao announced their divorce in 2021 after 15 years of marriage. At the time, Khan was 56 and Rao 47. They continue to co-parent their son Azad and work together on projects. Sohail Khan and Seema Sajdeh ended their marriage after 24 years, in 2022. They to continue to share parenting responsibilities for their two sons. AR Rahman and Saira Banu announced their separation after 29 years of marriage, in 2024. A long marriage is no longer automatically assumed to be ‘till death do us part”. Not anymore.

Grey Divorce Isn’t Easy

For younger couples, divorce may mean rebuilding careers, social lives and relationships while still having decades ahead. But, for older couples, there can be another layer: retirement. Where will the couple live? How will jointly accumulated assets be divided? What happens to pensions and retirement savings? Will one spouse, particularly someone who left the workforce years earlier, have enough financial security, and what about health issues? These questions can be especially significant for those women who spent much of their married life as homemakers. Legal experts say that long marriages make questions of maintenance, assets and retirement benefits particularly complicated.

Then, there an emotional aftermath too. Friends take sides. Adult kids struggle to accept the change. Family gatherings can become complicated. Individuals who have spent most of their adult life as part of a couple suddenly have to construct a new identity – it’s not easy. Yet grey divorces happen. This shows a person’s decision to reclaim agency over the remaining years of one’s life.

A new chapter is not necessarily an ending

The idea of growing old together remains deeply rooted in Indian society. But growing old well is increasingly becoming part of the conversation too. For some couples, that may mean repairing a marriage, for otthers, it may mean living separately. Still others may think of ending a marriage while maintaining a respectful relationship as parents, grandparents or friends. And, age alone may no longer be considered a reason to stop asking that question.