I Stopped Trying to Destroy My Ego—and Everything Changed

Rajkumari Sharma Tankha

For years, I believed the ego was my enemy. I thought the purpose of spirituality was to eliminate it through meditation. I felt by outgrowing ego, I would become a version of myself untouched by fear, attachment, or identity.

So I repeated affirmations, tried to stay positive, and focused on love and light. And, whenever uncomfortable (negative) emotions arose, I felt guilty thinking these were the signs that I wasn’t evolving enough.

But the more I tried to transcend the ego, the more I discovered something unexpected. I realised – one trying so desperately to become “more spiritual” was the ego itself.

That realization changed everything. Now, I no longer see the ego as something to defeat. I have come to realise that it something to understand.  And, therein, begins with awareness.

My Ego Never Disappeared—It Simply Became More Sophisticated

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that whatever I refuse to look at does not disappear. It simply finds quieter places to hide.

When I avoided grief, fear, jealousy, or insecurity by replacing them with positive thinking, I wasn’t healing them. I was covering them with beautiful spiritual language. It felt peaceful – but only on the surface. Beneath that, the same patterns continued to shape my reactions, relationships, and decisions.

Real healing began only when I stopped trying to become a better version of myself and simply became willing to see myself clearly. Not with criticism or shame. Rather, just with presence.

The Ego Can Wear a Spiritual Mask

I must admit, this has been one of the most humbling discoveries of my journey. The ego doesn’t always announce itself through arrogance or selfishness. Sometimes it arrives dressed in white and speaks softly. At other, it calls itself compassion, wisdom, or awakening.

I’ve watched it quietly whisper: I understand something others don’t, I’ve awakened. I’m more conscious. I’ve done the inner work. I know the truth.

You know, the ego doesn’t mind becoming spiritual. In fact, it often enjoys it… because a spiritual identity can become just another identity to protect. That’s the reason, today, I appreciate humility far more than certainty.

Now, I know that the moment I think I’ve arrived is usually the moment I’ve stopped seeing myself.

I’ve Begun Watching the One Who Watches

Meditation taught me to observe my thoughts. Life taught me to observe my emotions. But eventually another question appeared. Questions like Who is doing the observing? And, who wants to awaken? Who wants peace? And, who wants enlightenment? Further, who is quietly hoping to become someone special through spirituality? bothered more!

These questions don’t always have immediate answers – they dissolve assumptions. Ancient wisdom reminds us that the eye cannot fully see itself. Perhaps awareness is also like that. Each time I believe I’ve reached clarity, another layer gently reveals itself. Then again, it is not to discourage me, But deepen the understanding.

Spirituality Is More About Seeing

I used to believe awakening meant becoming someone different. Now it feels more like remembering what has always been here beneath every story I’ve told about myself. Every identity I release creates space; every belief I question opens another door.

And every attachment I notice loosens just a little. So, I’ve stopped searching for a finish line because I now know that there isn’t any finish line.

Awareness doesn’t end. It deepens. More and more. Just like different layers of sky – there is no end to it.

Awareness Does What Resistance Cannot

So, instead of trying to fix yourself, learn to be a witness of self. Don’t resist seeing yourself in your true form – warts and all. For, resistance creates conflict. And, awareness creates space – within that space, something remarkable happens.

You will realise that situations and patterns that once controlled you will begin to soften, and disappear one day. You don’t have to force them to disappear. Awareness dissolves what struggle never can.

So, don’t aspire to become egoless, but work on becoming more honest – with yourself and others. Be more present. Question every identity that you cling to – including the identity of being “spiritual.”

Perhaps awakening isn’t about escaping our humanity. Perhaps it’s about embracing it so completely that nothing within us needs to hide anymore. And maybe the deepest spiritual practice isn’t collecting more answers. But, remaining endlessly curious.